How sometimes love is not enough on this path of mine?
Ironically what many people are looking for is always surrounding me. I must say that it is my fuel to keep life going. It is what makes my existence and experience on this realm worth the ride. I believe in a power greater than myself, I don’t call God because I am God and God is everything and nothing.
When I decided to follow my soul’s call, I became an immigrant for real 10 years ago. I say for real because in my heart, I always knew I was destined to be somewhere else. Today in California, it feels like I never left home because my home is finally here with me. In me. This is the biggest thing I have discovered after knowing that I am loved but kept feeling not enough, not worth it. I know my wounds, I know my shadow very well. But I just know it, I did not want to feel it so it came back. Until I felt motivated to really look at it a little closer, I started to feel steps towards accepting it. Because as I feel loved and accepted for who I am I can discover more of myself. Steps towards acceptance are not necessarily acceptance.
Immigration also feels like I am home and home is somewhere else. I feel so blessed to crave being in two places at the same time. This blessing comes with pain. When it comes to the soul’s call the universe pushes to the edge of surrendering until surrender is the only option. The more resistance, the more it hurts and the more we create suffering. So whenever I decide to listen to the karmic web through yoga, meetings, and meditation, my life unfolds beautifully. Then I need to deal with the guilt of being happy because I was taught that it was impossible. This is life! This is the soul’s call.
What is it that I miss the most from my other home? Slow love oriented life. Were people are not scared of saying, “I don’t know”, “let’s do this mañana”. Where people are not scared of naps, joy, music, hugs, deep gossiping, knowing about the neighbors, going to family gatherings forcefully once a week and eating home made meals surrounded by family and friends…I miss the quality of relationships. I miss the deep roots of my country. I am a tree of big roots.
When I first came to California, I felt as if this tree was taken away from it’s oasis and it had to learn how to grow new roots. Then after my divorce, I learned that those roots go with me anywhere I take them. Some die, some resist, some change, some evolve. They just need water. And the water that they need has to be very nurturing. I needed to find the amount of nurture my tree was used to receive and I kept not finding it because grieving and resisting, took me to the “wrong path” to find the right path. Not the one people thought I needed. So I kept going, listening to my soul’s call.
And here I am today. I belong to a beautiful community of yogis, have a great yoga practice, an amazing fellowship, and a deep relationship with silence and subtlety through my 5 year old special needs friend, closeness and unconditional love from my family of origin and acceptance for what I chose or what chooses me and feels right.
Today I can recognize my own special needs and embrace them all. I understand these roots require a lot to feel at home, and I am no longer scared of letting people know that my needs are not a joke. I am also developing myself while I help others develop themselves. I find extraordinary miracles and keep finding them along the path. I have to remind myself that love is not enough when it comes to unmasking the soul’s call. Love is definitely the place to be, but it requires deep listening “suniai”, then bowing “namo”, and then sticking to it “sat nam” sticking to the truth requires discipline, patience, and awareness.
Everything is possible if we remind ourselves that simplicity fed by love, is the most powerful way to life.
One breath at a time.